Shu Tales
by hyper works
Summary: Shu warriors get into all sorts of crazy shenanigans.
1. intro

Shu Tales

Red Hair slept soundly in its stable. Unknowing to the magnificent animal, two men had gathered outside Xia Pi Castle to capture it. The horse's master retired for the night and left Red Hair unguarded. This seemed to be the perfect opportunity for two particular Shu warriors to make their move.

Ma Chao trailed along the castle's wall with his comrade Zhao Yun right behind him. The two brave souls had taken it upon themselves to obtain the fastest horse in all the land. Having such an animal would greatly benefit their lord Liu Bei and the Shu kingdom.

Finally, they reached the stable. "All right, this is it," said Ma Chao. "We'll run in, jump on him, and ride him back to lord Liu Bei."

Zhao Yun nodded to show his approval of the plan.

Only a few feet away from Red Hair, Ma Chao begins to say, "Here it is. Now, we can take Red Hair back and breed it with another Red Hair to make baby Red Hairs."

"What?" Zhao Yun was taken aback by Ma Chao's remark. "There is only one Red Hair."

"Nonsense, _Justice_ will always find a way."

"What's wrong with you? _Justice_ can't do that."

"Don't you ever doubt _Justice_!"

Ma Chao's scream causes light to emit through the castle and an angry man's voice shatters the night's silence. "Who's there?!"

"Shit, quick grab the horse." Ma Chao attempts to jump onto Red Hair's back, only to startle the horse and almost get kicked in the face. "Ah, stupid animal don't you know I, Ma Chao the Splendid, have come to claim you in the name of _Justice_."

Seeing as how Ma Chao had no way of calming the animal, Zhao Yun would have to tame Red Hair. "Easy boy." He grabbed some hay that was lying around and presented it to the horse. "We won't hurt you." To Zhao Yun's satisfaction, Red Hair calmed and took the food he was offered. "Good. See how easy that was." Suddenly, Red Hair kicks Zhao Yun in the stomach and sends him flying. "Noooooooo, I thought we had something special."

To worsen the situation Lu Bu enters the stable. "Ma Chao! You after my horse again? I'm gonna kill you!"

"Shit, Zhao Yun run!"

While huffing for air Zhao Yun says, "Dude, I just got kicked by a horse."

Ma Chao grabs Zhao Yun's leg and drags him as he attempts to flee Lu Bu's rage.

"Come back here!" Lu Bu chases Ma Chao and Zhao Yun as he swings his spear over his head menacingly.

Thus begins the Shu Tales.

Dynasty Warriors Intro Sequence with only Shu Members


	2. tale one part 1

Tale One – Xia Pi Castle Part I

In Cheng Du, Wei Yan was giving an inspirational speech to his troops. "You…fight…I…fight…Shu…win…or…you…die…"

The Shu generals applauded.

"That was the best I've ever heard. I feel inspired," praised Zhang Fei.

"Okay, that was Wei Yan. Next up in the Shu inspirational speech contest is Ma Chao. Remember your favorite speaker, cause your vote will determine the winner and he will be the official inspirational speech giver for Shu," announced Guan Ping.

The audience clapped as Guan Ping was replaced by Ma Chao.

Ma Chao cleared his throat and began to say, "Hey everyone, we are going to fight and die for _justice_. I died for _justice_, and so can you with one easy contribution to the _Justice_ Fund." While he was giving his speech, a basket labeled "_Justice_ Fund" was being passed around the crowd. "Please place all donations in the_Justice_Basket. This way when you contribute,_justice_ will watch over you in the battle field and make sure you die…in the name of _JUSTICE_! I grantee it."

"Grantee?" questioned Yue Ying.

"Ma Chao, do you mean guarantee?" asked Liu Bei.

"No, I said _justice_ right," responded Ma Chao. He then returned to addressing the crowd. "Thank you."

Guan Ping took the stage once again. "Okay. Let's give Ma Chao a hand." There was a reluctant respond to Guan Ping's request. "Last up, it's Pang Tong."

Pang Tong took center stage and said, "Go get 'em." Then he walked off stage.

Everyone cheered in delight; the Shu generals even gave Pang Tong a standing ovation.

A few moments later

"The winner is Pang Tong," announced Guan Ping.

"I can't believe I lost," said Ma Chao. "Well, at least I got supporters for _Justice_."

Zhuge Liang walked up to Ma Chao with the _justice_ basket. "Ma Chao there is no money in the basket."

"_Justice_ does not require money, only belief."

"No Ma Chao, there is nothing in the basket."

"Belief is too big for just a basket. Look around you, my friend. The believers of _justice_," said Ma Chao as he extended his arm towards the army.

"You suck!" shouted one of the soldiers.

"Then why do you have a basket," asked Zhuge Liang.

"Incase anyone donated money."

"What?"

"_Justice_ has to make a living too."

Elsewhere

Jiang Wei confronted Pang Tong to ask for advice on public speaking. "Pang Tong, you must teach me your skills. In order to follow in my prime minister's footsteps, I must enhance my public speaking skills."

"Sure kid. I'll teach you so you can follow in your prime minister's footsteps." Pang Tong leaned in towards Jiang Wei and whispered, "The trick is to know what they're thinking and say the opposite."

"How do you know what they're thinking?"

"Look at their eyes. The eyes never lie. As an add-on, try picturing Zhang Fei naked. That's guaranteed to work."

"Wow, thank you Pang Tong. I will try my best."

"Go get 'em kiddo."

As Jiang Wei walked away from Pang Tong, Huang Zhong approached Pang Tong from behind. "What were you two talking about?"

"Nothing, just messin' with the newbie." Pong Tong laughed to himself. "'My prime minister.'"

"What?" asked Huang Zhong.

"Nothing. Let's join the others and eat."

At the feast

The meal progressed nicely. The officers were conversing amongst themselves.

"Did you hear the one about the retired officer?"

"No"

"Now he's fighting age."

"That's not funny, Guan Ping."

"Oh, I thought you might like that one, Huang Zhong."

"Do I look dead to you sonny?"

"I didn't say dead, I said _retired_."

"THERE'S STILL LIFE IN ME YET!" Huang Zhong yelled as he unleashed his true musou.

Just then Liu Bei stood up and raised his cup. "Attention everyone."

To his disappointment, the group was too busy conversing amongst themselves. Liu Bei raised his voice. "Attention everyone." There was still no response. Aggravated, he threw his cup at the wall, and the shattering sound caught everyone's attention.

Liu Bei cleared his throat. "My friends, as you know, Lu Bu has taken control of Xia Pi castle. Unfortunately, our plans to recapture Xia Pi have been unsuccessful. So, I would like to hear any suggestions you might have on the matter."

"Why don't we live here?" suggested Guan Yu.

"What?...Any other ideas?"

"My lord, why not ask Cao Cao for aid?" recommended Zhuge Liang.

"We did, but they attacked the wrong castle."

"WAIT!" interrupted Ma Chao. "We were supposed to recapture the castle. I thought the goal was to get Red Hair."

"No. That was a side assignment that you thought up yourself, Ma Chao."

As the conversation continued, Jiang Wei turned to Yue Ying. "My Mrs. Prime Minister," whispered Jiang Wei" After getting no response, he leaned in closer. "My Mrs. Prime Minister… my Mrs. Prime Minister."

"What?" responded Yue Ying.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"So what do you want me to do about it?"

"Could you fill me in just incase I miss something."

"Oh, okay." Yue Ying then shouted, "Hey, Jiang Wei needs to take a dump. He wants us to pause till he gets back!"

"No that's not what I meant."

"Is that true Jiang Wei?" asked Liu Bei.

All starred at Jiang Wei and he sunk into his seat out of embarrassment.

"It's okay," replied Jiang Wei.

"If you gotta take a dump, then go take a dump. Unless you crapped in you pants or something," said Zhang Fei.

The other backed away from Jiang Wei a little.

"I did not."

"It's okay, Jiang Wei. Sometimes you can't hold it and you crap in your pants. Even _justice_ craps in its pants sometimes," comforted Ma Chao.

"I said I di-"

"Why don't you go and clean yourself off? We'll wait for you here," added Zhuge Liang

"But my Prime Minister…"

All starred at the young man.

With a sigh Jiang Wei left. After walking a certain distance, he heard laughter coming from the others. Why me? thought Jiang Wei as he turned bright red.

Later

"Okay, we've got plan A and plan B as back up," said Liu Bei. "Plan A is to use the females in our group to distract Lu Bu and his men, and then we attack from the back side. Plan B is to stay here."

"Those are both horrible plans," protested Jiang Wei.

"Then what do you suggest."

"I propose that we go lay waste at Xia Pi castle."

Everyone started snickering.

"Umm…don't you mean 'lay waste _to_ Xia Pi castle?'" asked Liu Bei.

"What…ahhhhhhhh, you guys are jerks."

"Okay. So getting back to plan A. We have Xing Cai and Yue Ying to handle this job. The problem is we need more women."

"MY LORD!" interrupted Ma Chao.

Liu Bei sighed. "What is it this time Ma Chao?"

"My lord, _justice_!"

"WHAT?!"

"_Justice_ can not allow me to follow through with this plan. My lord, please leave this matter to me and Zhao Yun."

"Why am I in this?" complained Zhao Yun.

"My lord, we'd like to take Jiang Wei as well."

"Ma Chao, what is your plan?" inquired Liu Bei.

"Okay, first we let Jiang Wei lay waste all over Xia Pi castle. Then, Zhao Yun and I take Red Hair as everyone is fleeing from Jiang Wei's waste. Then, the castle will be in the tender hands of _justice_!"

End Part I


	3. tale one part II

Tale One – Xia Pi Castle Part II

Ma Chao, Zhao Yun, and Jiang Wei quietly trailed along the side of Xia Pi Castle.

"Zhao Yun and I will go to the stables. Jiang Wei, you go and do your thing. Do it all over the castle," informed Ma Chao.

"What? I can't do that. This is the stupidest idea ever. And why am I in this dress?" complained Jiang Wei.

"This plan isn't stupid. It's _justice_. And the dress is plan B. If you can't make waste, then go get laid."

"What?! Get laid with who, Lu Bu?"

"Dude, that's your thing. Don't get us involved with it."

"This is your idea!"

"Lower your voice. Are you trying to get us killed," whispered Zhao Yun.

"Yeah, go do your thing for _justice_," added Ma Chao.

"Ahh." Irritated, Jiang Wei started to walk off to find an entrance.

---At the Stables---

Red Hair slept soundly in its stable. Unknowing to the magnificent animal, two men had gathered outside Xia Pi Castle to capture it. The horse's master retired for the night and left Red Hair unguarded. This seemed to be the perfect opportunity for two particular Shu warriors to make their move.

Ma Chao trailed along the castle's wall with his comrade Zhao Yun right behind him. The two brave souls had taken it upon themselves to obtain the fastest horse in all the land. Having such an animal would greatly benefit their lord Liu Bei and the Shu kingdom.

"You know. I feel as if we've done this before," said Ma Chao.

"That's because we've tried this at least 17 times already," reminded Zhao Yun.

The two men approached Red Hair's stable. The animal was finally within their grasp.

Ma Chao opened the stall door. "Finally, _justice_ will prevail. Take that Lu Bu. Even you can not defeat the might of _JUSTICE_!"

Just then, a harsh manly voice filled the stable. "Who's there? Ma Chao, you after Red Hair again?!"

"Shit. Get down." Zhao Yun pulled Ma Chao towards the ground in Red Hair's pin. "Do something."

"Umm. Umm…" Ma Chao heard Lu Bu's foot steps come closer. "Ah, umm…it's me Lu Bu, Red Hair," said Ma Chao in a very poor imitation voice…of a talking horse.

"We're dead, we're so dead," said Zhao Yun.

"Red Hair? Wait, how do I know it's really you and not Diao Chan's horse pretending to be you again?" asked Lu Bu.

Zhao Yun and Ma Chao looked at one another in absolute confusion.

Ma Chao shrugged his shoulders. "No, it's really me Lu Bu. Diao Chan's horse is asleep."

"Oh okay. I thought it was Ma Chao trying to kidnap you again."

"Yeah, he's really something."

"Ha, that loser and his justice are really something all right."

"_JUSTICE_ will ge- mmmm" Zhao Yun covered Ma Chao's mouth.

"What? Justice. Is that you Ma Chao?"

"No, I meant it's _just us_. _Just us_, Lu Bu. There's no Ma Chao," covered Zhao Yun.

"Good. If I catch him here again, I'll cut him into pieces."

"Yeah. He's nothing compared to you."

"What? I can so take him," whispered Ma Chao.

"Would you shut up," Zhao Yun whispered back. "So how are you doing Lu Bu?"

"Oh, you know the same old, same old; giving orders, fighting weaklings, banging Diao Chan."

"Oh yeah. How's Diao Chan working out for you? Is she as hot as she looks?"

"Hotter."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, she's great. But sometimes I wonder why she'd choose me though. It's like, with her looks she can have any guy, you know. Why would she pick me?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Even I wonder why she would pick an ugly son of bitch like you."

"WHAT?!"

"Ah, I mean." Zhao Yun and Ma Chao started to panic. "Let's just jump on the horse and speed out of here," Ma Chao whispered to Zhao Yun.

Just as Ma Chao is about jump out, Lu Bu bursts into laughter. "That was a good one, Red Hair."

"Ah ha ha ha." Zhao Yun and Ma Chao laugh nervously.

---Meanwhile---

Jiang Wei had been wandering around the inside of the castle for a while now. He had managed to sneak past the guards and avoid many other soldiers. To his satisfaction, he was able to obtain insight about the enemy. He now knew how they would layout for a battle.

As he made his way down a hall he heard foot steps of troops heading his way. He could not see a place to hide, so he entered a room that had the door slightly open.

The soldiers walked passed the room without noticing him. Jiang Wei sighed with relief. Unfortunately, he had entered the wrong room. "Who's there?" asked a deep male voice.

Jiang Wei turned around slowly to see a tall man with black hair, mustache and bread that was only wearing pants. He had just walked into Zhang Liao's room.

"Ah, umm…"

Zhang Liao walked up to Jiang Wei and places a hand on his chin. Slowly, Zhang Liao lifted the younger man's face. He paused for a second and starred at Jiang Wei. The situation made Jiang Wei very nervous. Why me? thought Jiang Wei.

Zhang Liao let go of Jiang Wei and walked over to a table that was right next to his weapon.

Here it comes. I'm sorry my prime minister. I've failed you. Jiang Wei closed his eyes.

"You're a very beautiful girl," said Zhang Liao as he poured some wine into a cup. "How come I've never seen you before? A flower like you is hard to miss."

Jiang Wei was surprised by the sudden turn of events, but he quickly recovered. "Umm, I'm a new concubine. I just arrived today," answered Jiang Wei in an imitation female voice.

"Oh really." Zhang Liao sat down on his bed. "Why don't you join me for a drink then?" He patted the bed, welcoming Jiang Wei to sit beside him.

"Umm…I'm not much of a drinker."

"It's nothing strong. Just taste it. If you don't like it, I won't force you."

Jiang Wei went over to Zhang Liao and took a seat next to him. Maybe if I get him drunk, he'll pass out. I can escape while he's asleep.

"Here you go."

"Thank you." Jiang Wei took a sip and coughed a little. He wasn't much of a drinker.

Zhang Liao chuckled a little. He then picked up the wine bottle to get some more wine.

"Please allow me." Jiang Wei took the bottle and poured wine into the cup until it was full.

"Why thank you." Zhang Liao took a sip. "What's your name?"

"My name?" Jiang Wei thought for a moment. "My name is Ji..an..Pei, Jian Pei."

"Jian Pei." Zhang Liao starred at Jiang Wei for a minute, and then he leaned over to his ear. "Why don't we get to know more about one another, Jian Pei?" Zhang Liao pushed 'Jian Pei' onto his back. After gulping down all of the wine in his cup, he threw the cup aside and leaned down to the 'girl' on his bed. "You really are beautiful." He moved in to kiss Jiang Wei.

"Nooooooo! Save me my prime minister!"

"My prime minister?"

"Oh,…umm…I'm sorry. Umm, I'm still a virgin so-"

"Oh, is that all." Zhang Liao stroked Jiang Wei's cheek. "Don't worry. I'll be gentle."

A look of horror crossed Jiang Wei's face.

---Back at Stable---

"And remember when they opened up Hu Lao gate and I was there," reminisced Lu Bu.

"Yeah, we were there, and everyone was like 'holy shit it's Lu Bu!' And then I'm like "that's right it's Lu Bu, bitches,'" said Zhao Yun.

"Yeah, why don't you just tell him how much you love him, kiss-ass," Ma Chao whispered harshly.

"Well, at least I'm not getting us killed," retorted Zhao Yun.

"Just get rid of him."

"How? Why don't you do something?"

"Fine." Ma Chao raised his voice a little. "Lu Bu, do you know what time it is?"

"No Red Hair, what time is it?" asked Lu Bu waiting for a punch-line.

"It's Red Hair time."

"Ha ha, wait. I don't get it."

"No, I mean it's me-time. Don't get me wrong. I love the relationship we have. You ride me all day, put me in this tiny pin, and then bitch about how great you are. No it's cool, but—"

"No, I understand. I know what you mean."

"So we're cool, right?"

"Yeah, it's all cool. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

Lu Bu left the stable. Ma Chao poked his head up to see if he was truly gone. "He's finally gone."

Zhao Yun and Ma Chao stood up. "Let's get the hell out of here." Zhao Yun started to lead Red Hair out of his pin.

Lu Bu reentered the stable saying, "Oh yeah, Red Hair have you see my—"

Everyone froze in silence.

"MA CHAO! And…uh…"

"Oh, Zhao Yun."

"I'm gonna kill you!"

"Oh, nice going Zhao Yun. You pissed him off," accused Ma Chao.

Zhao Yun glared at Ma Chao.

Lu Bu growled angrily, and pulled out his weapon from one of the pins.

"You leave your weapon here?" asked Ma Chao.

Lu Bu just started charging towards them.

"AH!" Zhao Yun and Ma Chao hugged one another out of fear.

All of a sudden, a scream, other than Zhao Yun's and Ma Chao's, filled the air. The yell caused Lu Bu to pause. "What the hell?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jiang Wei ran past the stable.

Closely following him was Zhang Liao. "What's wrong?! Was it my breath?"

Seizing the opportunity, Ma Chao and Zhao Yun ran for it. They reached their horses and jumped on. On their way out, they grabbed Jiang Wei and hightailed it out of there.

"Come back again and I'll kill you!" screamed Lu Bu.

"Come back," said Zhang Liao.

Lu Bu stared at Zhang Liao. "What happened to you?"

"I loved and lost."

---Back at Shu---

"So, you were unsuccessful?" asked Liu Bei.

"Pretty much," responded Ma Chao.

"Did Jiang Wei lay waste?" inquired Zhang Fei.

"No, but he got laid," answered Zhao Yun.

"Oh, who was the lucky girl, Jiang Wei?"

"_He_ was the lucky girl," interrupted Ma Chao.

"What?" All the Shu warriors stared at Jiang Wei.

"Well, I never knew Jiang Wei," spoke Zhuge Liang.

"No, my prime minister," began Jiang Wei. "It's not like that."

"'My prime minister.'" Pang Tong chuckled to himself.

---End Tale One---


	4. tale two

Tale Two: Benevolence

"Have you seen the General's privates?"

"What?"

"Yeah, the General has lost his privates. Have you seen them?"

"Umm…"

"I hope we can find the General's privates, they are essential for the battle."

"…Have you checked his pants?"

"…Oh, Ha. That's not funny."

-Intro sequence with Shu warriors-

"It was kinda funny."

-Continue with intro sequence-

"Tana, tana, tana, Blodder! Tana, tana, tana, Wind Master! More guys more musou. Tana, tana, tana, everyone is dead. Oh, there is one guy coming for me. Tana tana tana."

"Ma Chao would you shut up," complained Zhao Yun.

"Kill Lui Pi. Tana tana tana. JUSTICE!"

"Honestly, why do I always get paired with this guy?"

Ma Chao and Zhao Yun had been dispatched to fight off the Wei forces.

"Ma Chao would you shut up during battle."

"I just killed 3,000 people. That's 3,000 widows."

"That's not cool."

"That means 3,000 more women for me."

"That's just messed up."

A generic officer approaches the two warriors.

"Cao Ren has fled the battlefield. Victory is ours."

"That's good to here. Tell the troops to rest. We will leave for Chengdu in the morning," replied Zhao Yun.

"Blahlalalalalalala, 20 bazillion hit combo. Blahlalalalalalalla, JUSTICE!" Ma Chao was still in the distance killing off the retreating enemy forces.

-Back in Chengdu-

"My brother, are you all right?" Guan Yu ran over to Lui Bei.

Lui Bei turns around only to be Zhang Jiao wearing Lui Bei's clothing.

"Ah!"

"I liked that outfit so I took it and put it on," informed Zhang Jiao.

"… You're weird." Guan Yu stabbed him and then ran off with a monkey wearing Zhang Jiao's clothing. Later they would marry.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Guan Yu woke up in cold sweat. "It was just a dream."

-Later-

Guan Yu made his way to the dining hall. As he neared his destination, he could hear is friends' chatter.

"Yeah, I had this weird dream. I ran off with a monkey, and a narrator announced that I later married it," said Huang Zhong.

"Me…monkey…marry…too!" replied Wei Yan.

"… You're weird." Guan Yu stabbed him and then ran off.

Guan Yu wakes up in a warm sweat. "Ew, Why's it so warm."

-Later-

Guan Yu made his way to the dining hall. As he neared his destination, he could hear is friends' chatter.

"Yeah, I had this weird dream. I ran off with a monkey, and a narrator announced that I later married it," said Huang Zhong.

"Me…monkey…marry…too!" replied Wei Yan.

Guan Yu stopped in his tracks. After a moment to himself, he pinched his arm to reassure that he is indeed awake this time. He felt at ease upon feeling a slight sting from his pinch.

Once inside the dining hall, Guan Yu proceeded to greet his friends. "Good morning. What is for breakfast?"

"Hi ya, its rice with pork cutlets," replied Zhang Fei.

"Sounds good."

"By the way, you do realize it's three in the morning and you're just dreaming, right?"

"Huh?"

Suddenly Zhang Fei flew away with pixie wigs and Guan Yu was laying in bed next to a Wei Yan.

"I…monkey…marry…Guan…Yu…"

Guan Yu simply stabbed Wei Yan and then flew off with the aid of his own pixie wigs.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Guan Yu woke up from his dream. "What the hell?"

-Somewhere else-

Zhao Yun rolled over to his side as he slept. Nevertheless, he suddenly awoke to extreme heat. He opened his eyes only to view Ma Chao's face right next to his. A few seconds later, he jumped out from under his blanket. "What the hell are you doing in my tent and under my blanket? And, for the love of god, why are you NAKED?"

Ma Chao rolled over onto his other side. "It's cold."

-Somewhere else, else-

Lui Bei was having trouble sleeping. Zhuge Liang's words were still ringing in his ears. Could Lui Bei really unite the land and form a world of benevolence? The thought of ending the people's suffering filled him with sheer delight. With a man like Zhuge Liang at his said, Lui Bei was certain to realize his dreams.

Not being able to sleep due to excitement, Lui Bei rose from bed and decided to prepare himself for a meeting with his officers. He wished for his desires to be known, in addition, Zhuge Liang and Pang Tong will present their next plan. By having Zhao Yun and Ma Chao successfully defend Jing Province, now was the time to advance upon Wei.

-9 AM-

"So, it has been settled. We will attack Wei," announced Lui Bei. "Prepare the troops. We will depart as soon as possible. The road to Belevolence is near."

-Belevolence?- Thought Zhuge Liang.

"Yes brother, you are truly a belevolent leader," complimented Guan Yu.

"Let's hear it for the bologna Lui Bei." Everyone cheered along with Zhang Fei.

Zhuge Liang looked on in confusion. -Bologna? Why can't anyone here pronounce benevolence correctly? It's not that hard.-

"Hooray bologna!"

Zhuge Liang let out a sigh of disappointment.

"Ba…na…na…Lui…Bei…" Everyone except Zhuge Liang cheered to Wei Yan's inspirational words.

-Oh, for the love of god. Banana?- Out of all the officers, Zhuge Liang truly believed Wei Yan was the dumbest one, which was saying something considering Wei Yan was being compared to Ma Chao as well.

Just then the doors burst open. "JUSTICE!" Ma Chao and Zhao Yun had returned from their conquest in Jing Province. "Fear not everyone, Jing will continue on to serve Justice."

"Ah, you two are just in time. We are making preparation to attack Wei," informed Pang Tong.

"Yes, the time for belevolence is upon us," added Lui Bei.

Zhao Yun bowed before his lord. "I look forward to paving the road of bentos, my lord."

Ma Chao placed a hand on Zhao Yun's shoulder. "With Justice and brothels on our side, we will surely succeed!"

"Brothels?" questioned Zhao Yun

-Huh? He actually caught that one.- Zhuge Liang was surprised to notice Zhao Yun's perception considering the fact that the warrior had himself pronounced benevolence as bentos.

"Hey, Justice needs love too," enlightened Ma Chao.

"…"

-Days Later-

"We Lost!"

The End


	5. tale three

Author's Note: Just in case it's not obvious, Shu Tales does not follow the original, historical time line of the three kingdoms or dynasty warriors. Enjoy.

Tale Three: Alliance with Wu

"Wow, everywhere we go there is turmoil. Luckily, we are always there just in the nick of time to fix it," praised Lui Bei.

"Or, every time we show up turmoil is there. Maybe it's because of you, my lord. Perhaps you are just bad luck." informed Ma Su.

"…Who are you?"

"Why not test this then? There is a village that has never encountered any misfortune for 1400 years. My lord, you should visit this village. Perhaps, you will receive more luck and lift your curse rather than destroy the village by your curse."

"That's a great idea…who the heck are you?"

-At the Village-

"I, Lui Bei the belevolent, have arrived."

"Oh my god! The village is on fire!" The villagers were running around in panic.

"Oh my god! Zombies have risen from the dead and their bodies are on fire! Everything they touch is setting on fire or turns into a zombie or turns into another flaming zombie! Ah, oh my god! Help us Lord Lui Bei!" The villagers ran around in mass panic as their village was raided by flaming zombies.

"…Maybe I am bad luck."

-Shu Intro Sequence-

After having failed in defeating Wei, Shu and Wu formed an alliance. To celebrate the union, Wu had invited the Shu officers to a lavish feast. There both the Shu and Wu warriors were able to unwind and enjoy themselves during this time of chaos.

"Lord Lui Bei, I am honored to have you here," stated Sun Quan.

"The honor is all mine," replied Lui Bei. However, his attention was drawn to Sun Shang Xiang. He was unable to take his eyes off the warrior princess. To his delight, she was equally matching his gaze. Just as Lui Bei was attracted to Sun Shang Xiang, in return, the princess was interested in the virtuous leader of Shu. Truly, the magnetism between the two rivaled even the love Lui Bei held for his brothers.

Meanwhile, Guan Yu was having quite the predicament dealing with a rather drunk Lu Xun.

"Hey there, you know what?" Lu Xun was seated next to Guan Yu. Unfortunately for Guan Yu, the young strategist had a little too much wine.

"Yes, Lu Xun?" replied Guan Yu.

"I have a bulge." Lu Xun leaned in closer to Guan Yuan.

"What?"

"I have a bulge…in my pants…it's my penis."

"… Yeah, so I have to take care of this thing. I really should be going."

Lu Xun grabbed Guan Yu's arm as he began to rise from his seat. "The bulge...is my penis."

At this point, Guan Yu had drawn the attention of the other warriors seating near Lu Xun and himself. Finding the situation rather amusing, Gan Ning decided to play along with Lu Xun's drunken state. "So what's going on here?" The former pirate took a seat right next to Lu Xun.

"Guan Yu, my bulge…is in my pants…it's my penis," answered Lu Xun. "Guan Yu…is my penis."

Gan Ning stared at Guan Yu for some time. "I didn't know you liked bum-sex."

"What?" Guan Yu was taken aback by Gan Ning's statement. "I most certainly do not."

"Oy, Ling Tong, Lu Xun has a bulge in his pants. It's his penis."

Ling Tong approached Guan Yu's table. "Oh, is that true Lu Xun?"

"Yeah, I have a…penis." Lu Xun wrapped himself around Guan Yu's arms and closed his eyes. "My bulge…" He began to drift off into sleep.

Gan Ning and Ling Tong burst into laughter. This was quite the sight to behold.

On the other hand, Guan Yu was not as happy with the situations as the two Wu officers. "Why me?"

-Back to Lui Bei-

Lui Bei and Sun Shang Xiang continued a coy game of I sky. Each would look towards the direction of the other just to see if their eyes would meet. To them, this was a secret and flirtatious method that allowed the two to form a bond without any of their comrades knowing. The only problem with this secret little game was that it wasn't secret at all. The two were sitting right next to each other endlessly staring at one another. In fact, to everyone in the room it looked as though Lui Bei and Sun Shang Xiang were just sitting there facing one another while gazing into each other's eyes without saying a word.

This entire process was beginning to tick Sun Ce off. "Why don't they just say something to one another?"

"Patience Ce. Leave your sister be. You know how hard it is for her to get a man's attention," informed Sun Jian.

"Yeah, but this is just annoying."

-Meanwhile-

Ma Chao and Zhao Yun had paid particular attention to the happenings between Lui Bei and Sun Shang Xiang.

"Why aren't they saying anything to each other?" wondered Zhao Yun.

"Impotence," replied Ma Chao.

"What?"

"Don't worry. I'll fix this."

"No wai-" Before Zhao Yun could finish, Ma Chao was headed towards Lui Bei. "Oh boy."

-Back to Lui Bei Again-

To Sun Ce's satisfaction, Lui Bei cleared his throat and was about to say something. Unfortunately, Ma Chao interrupted the moment. "Hey there sweet chicks."

Lui Bei was not at all pleased with the new development. "Ma Chao, what are you doing?"

"Don't worry my lord. I'm here to help you with your impotence."

"Impotence?" asked Sun Shang Xiang.

"No, he doesn't mean impotence, my lady." Lui Bei grabbed Ma Chao and dragged him away from the table. "What is the meaning of this?"

"I'm here to help you my lord," replied Ma Chao.

"Thank you, but I don't need your help."

Ma Chao placed a hand on Lui Bei's shoulder and curled the other into a fist next to his chest. "Have no fear my lord. Justice will help you overcome your impotence."

"I'm not impotent!"

"Justice! Behold the mighty five step program to overcoming impotence." Ma Chao stood up on the table and addressed everyone in the room. "_Justice_ is the ultimate cure for impotence. I cured my impotence with _justice_, and so can you with one easy contribution to the _Justice_ Fund." While he was giving his speech, a basket labeled "_Justice_ Fund" was circulating around the room. "Please place all donations in the_ Justice _Basket. This way when you contribute,_ justice_ will watch over you in the bed and make sure you get it on…in the name of _JUSTICE_! I grantee it."

"Grantee?" pondered Zhou Yu.

"Where did the basket come from?" Lu Meng held the _Justice_ basket in his hands.

Zhao Yun pulled Ma Chao of the table. "Sorry for the inconvenience my lord. We'll just be leaving."

"But I still have to get my fund," complained Ma Chao. "Hey-"

Zhao Yun flipped Ma Chao over his shoulder and carried him out of the room. An awkward silence filled the air directly after their departure.

"Impotence, huh?" Sun Jian stared at Lui Bei.

"Why me?" Lui Bei sunk his head in embarrassment.

-Later that Night-

"Guys, Cheese it!" Lui Bei warned his officers and began running for the exit.

"What happened brother?" questioned Guan Yu.

"I'll teach you Lui Bei, get back here." Sun Ce's voice echoed through the halls of the castle.

"RUN!" Lui Bei blotted past his officers.

Thus an alliance between Shu and Wu ended.

-Few Days Later-

After a couple of awkward conversations, Sun Shang Xiang was married to Lui Bei and an alliance was reformed between Shu and Wu.


	6. tale four

=== Tale Four: Lady Sun Shang Xiang===

At Shu boot camp the cadets had just completed their training. Their sergeant was now informing new soldiers about their position in the military. All of them were lined up, so he could go down the line and quickly place the soldiers. Most, of course, fell under front line infantry. The bravest and masculine looking men became part of the Calvary. Nevertheless, back then the Shu Nation had a different approach to homosexuals in the military.

The drill sergent was walking down the line placing soldiers under a specific sector within the military. "Front line infantry, front line infantry, front line infantry, Calvary, front line infantry…" He soon approached a cadet that was standing with a hand on his hip while examining the nails of his other hand. "Oh, it's you Gei Gui." He examined the young man for a moment. "Archer!"

Gei Gui looked up in shock and excitement. "Oh, yay!"

-At Gei Gui's Home-

"Mummy, Daddy. I'm an Archer!" announced Gei Gui.

"Yeah, we always knew," replied the father.

-Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere-

"La la princesses!"

-Somewhere else in the Middle of Nowhere-

"We're lost." Zhao Yun bluntly stated.

"Whao, did you guys see that guy run past with his underwear on his head screaming 'la la princesses!'?" asked Ma Chao.

"Oh yeah. That was some nice underwear, quite stylish too."

"Oh definitely, I'm sure that was fur. Maybe wolf far."

"No, that was definitely, panda. I'm wearing it right now." Zhao Yun took of his clothing. "See."

"Oh yes. Very nice. But watch this." Ma Chao stripped down as well.

"Wow, is that what I think it is."

"Yup, red panda fur."

"Whoa, very nice."

Ma Chao and Zhao Yun praised one another's undergarments made out of what are today considered to be endangered animals.

Huang Zhong walked past the younger warriors. "…Gay."

-Intro Sequence with Shu Officers-

Today was the day; Lady Sun Shang Xiang would be arriving at Chengdu and staying with Lui Bei from here onward. Everyone was in joyous of moods. Finally, something good had happened in Shu. Additionally, this was the perfect opportunity to focus on something other than the chaos plaguing the land.

Lui Bei in particular was quite excited about the situation. He paced back and forth at the front entrance of his castle. This was the first time in months he would be able to see Shang Xiang. Their last encounter ended on a bad note, seeing as how he was chased out of Sun Quan's castle by Shang Xiang's angry brothers and father.

"Do not worry, my lord. Everything will be fine." Zhuge Liang smiled at Lui Bei.

"Oh, I'm just nervous. I hope she gets her soon," spoke Lui Bei.

"She should be arriving soon. I specifically dispatched Jiang Wei to make sure he escorts her here."

"I am aware. I just want things to be perfect when she gets here."

"Have no fear, my lord. I have taken the liberty to send Ma Chao and Zhao Yun away on an errand. They will be too preoccupied to interrupt this day."

Lui Bei breathed a sigh of relief. "I can always count on you friend."

Just then a messenger approached the two officers. "My lord, Lady Sun Shang Xiang has been delayed. Apparently Ma Chao and Zhao Yun have escorted her Ladyship the wrong way. Fortunately the route they have taken does lead back here, but they will not be arriving until tomorrow."

All were motionless, which caused the scene to appear as though it was frozen in time.

-Elsewhere-

"Guys, My Prime Minister will be most upset at these turn of events," informed Jiang Wei.

"No need to thank us, for it was _Justice_ that led us here to your rescue," replied Ma Chao.

"We were doing just fine before you got here."

"Yes, _justice_ feels your gratitude and tells you there is no need between friends."

"No seriously, because of you guys we have been delayed and all of our provisions have reached the capital ahead of us. We have no food or anything."

"Ha ha ha, _justice_."

"…You suck."

Shang Xiang sighed and sat down on a large stone. She had no idea that Shu's warriors were such morons. First she had to endure days of my prime minister this and my prime minister that, and now she was stuck with a justice crazed imbecile and his idiotic friend. At least they were all attractive. Perhaps that was the reason Lui Bei put up with their idiocy; they were good to look at. However, would that mean Lui Bei was gay? Then why would he agree to marry her. Maybe, he did it because he needed to form an alliance with Wu. Plus, he does have a certain image to uphold. Wait, then that night. If he was gay, then that night should not have happened. Her thoughts drifted back to the night Lui Bei was chased out of her brother's castle.

The three Shu warriors stared at a Shang Xiang. She had a dazed look on her face; it was as though she had left reality and was in an imaginary world.

"My Lady?" Zhao Yun approached the Wu princess.

She didn't respond. Instead, a blush formed on her face and she let out another sigh.

Zhao Yun stepped back. "Um?"

Ma Chao bent down near Shang Xiang's ear and softly whispered, "I'm not impotent."

She jumped up off the stone, "What do you think you are doing?" She looked around her to notice that all three of the men were staring at her. "Anyway, how far is it to Chengdu?"

"Not far, my lady," informed Zhao Yun. "But, it will be dark soon. We should find a spot to rest. We'll continue tomorrow and should arrive at the castle."

"Ok. Then let's stop here. We can start a fire and continue traveling at dawn."

-Back at Chengdu-

"Ah! Why do I even put up with those two?" Lui Bei was extremely agitated. His wedding night had been postponed thanks to the two idiots. It was something he had been looking forward to for a long time. He sat back on his thrown and hung his head. His elbows were placed on his thighs, which allowed him to rest his head in his hands.

The virtuous leader's thoughts drifted off to Ma Chao, Zhao Yun, Shang Xiang and Jiang Wei. Zhuge Liang's apprentice was a nice kid, but he proved to be pretty useless at times. Why on earth did he put up with Jiang Wei, Zhao Yun and Ma Chao anyway, especially Ma Chao? Well, they were good to look at. Still, they were more trouble than they were worth sometimes.

"Why not go off to bed, my lord," suggested a concerned Zhuge Liang.

"I'm not sleepy," answered Lui Bei. "By the way, what was the task you send Ma Chao and Zhao Yun on?"

"Oh that. I asked them to bring me some mangos from Meng Huo in the south for Lady Sun Shang Xiang's arrival. I informed them that they will have to travel to Nanman territory to retrieve the mangos. Unfortunately, I was unaware that the two were terrible with directions. Considering that they had always managed navigating to and back from various battles, I thought they would be fine with this one task. I was gravely mistaken."

Lui Bei sighed in frustration. "Definitely more trouble than they are worth."

"My lord?"

Lui Bei looked up at Zhuge Liang. "By the way, there is something I've been meaning to ask you. Why did you choose Jiang Wei as your apprentice?"

-Flashback-

"A road to benevolence is truly a difficult one," stated Zhuge Liang.

"Benevolence?" asked Jiang Wei.

Zhuge Liang was in disbelief. "What did you just say?"

"Benevolence?"

The clouds parted allowing a heavenly light to shine on Jiang Wei. At the same time cherubs popped up around the young warrior, and a chorus singing Hallelujah could be heard in the background…(Why are there Christian references in this flashback?)

-End of Flashback-

"He has much potential, my lord." Zhuge Liang smiled to himself.

-In the Middle of the Woods-

Shang Xiang and the boys had managed to start a fire. Moreover, Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei had left in search of food. This left Shang Xiang alone with Ma Chao. At least she didn't have to keep hearing about the amazing Zhuge Liang. In its place, Ma Chao had presented the _justice_ fund at least six times.

Fed up with hearing about the justice fund, she finally asked, "Why would justice need money anyway? Isn't it a concept?"

"Hey, Justice needs to make a living too," answered Ma Chao.

"I get it. So, when you say justice needs to make a living you really mean that you need to make a living. Justice is just a replacement for yourself."

"…"

-Somewhere Else in the Woods-

Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei had succeeded in hunting down a wild boar. The two were on their way back to their resting spot. As they made their way back, a man carrying a woman ran past them. It took Yun and Wei a few seconds before they realized that was Ma Chao carrying Shang Xiang.

"Hey!" Zhao Yun was rather confused as to what was going on.

Jiang Wei tapped the other warrior on the back. "Um, Zhao Yun."

"What is it?"

Jiang Wei didn't need to answer. Both men stood dumbfound staring at the sight before them. An entire army of flaming, zombie archers was charging their way. The undead army was flaming both literally and figuratively.

Instinctively, the two dropped the boar and bolted in the same direction as Ma Chao.

"What the hell, I thought this kind of stuff only happened to Lord Lui Bei," stated Jiang Wei.

"We are his subordinates," replied Zhao Yun. "Maybe Shu is just cursed."

"Ah, save me my prime minister!"

Oh my. What a turn of events. How will the guys get out of this situation? Will Lui Bei finally be able to have his wedding night? Why exactly was he chased out of Sun Quan's castle? Did Sun Shang Xiang have a breakthrough with Ma Chao? Where did the flaming, zombie archers come from, and why are they flaming? Why am I asking so many questions? Why is there a narrator at the end anyway? Find out in the next tantalizing chapter of Shu Tales… maybe, probably not.

To Be Continued


	7. tale four part II

===Tale Four Part II===

Today was the day; Lady Sun Shang Xiang would be arriving at Chengdu and staying with Liu Bei from here onward. Everyone was in joyous of moods. Finally, something good had happened in Shu. Additionally, this was the perfect opportunity to focus on something other than the chaos plaguing the land.

Liu Bei in particular was quite excited about the situation. He paced back and forth at the front entrance of his castle. This was the first time in months he would be able to see Shang Xiang. Their last encounter ended on a bad note, seeing as how he was chased out of Sun Quan's castle by Shang Xiang's angry brothers and father.

"Today's the day," Zhang Fei placed a hand on Liu Bei's shoulder. "Tonight you'll finally be reunited with your lovely new bride."

"Yes, I am quite excited. I just hope we don't have a repeat performance of yesterday's events," commented Liu Bei.

Just then a messenger approached the two warriors. "Grave news, my lord. An army of flaming zombies attacked Lady Sun Shang Xiang, Ma Chao, Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei. They are nowhere to be found."

Liu Bei froze as a look of terror crossed his face.

"Flaming Zombies? Where would they come from?" pondered Zhang Fei.

Liu Bei looked up at the heavens. "CURSE YOU SHU CURSE!"

-Elsewhere-

Due to the circumstances, Ma Chao and Shang Xiang had separated from Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei. The warrior of justice continued on foot through the dense forest with the Wu princess in his arms. If only he had succeeded in capturing Red Hair, he would have arrived at Chengdu with Shang Xiang a long time back. Curse that Lu Bu; if Cao Cao's army hadn't attacked the wrong castle, he would be dead by now.

"You can put me down. I can walk." Shang Xiang wasn't very keen on being treated as a helpless girl. She was a warrior herself after all.

Ma Chao did not comply with her request. "We need to get you to Chengdu. Lord Liu Bei must be eager to see you."

His statement surprised Shang Xiang. Ma Chao was behaving quite differently from his normal moronic self. "Yes, but you have been carrying since last night. We should rest for a bit."

Again, Ma Chao did not comply. He knew that they could not be far from Chengdu. His thoughts drifted to Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei. Knowing them, they probably reached the Shu capital. A smile crept up Ma Chao's cheeks. He was totally alone with a young maiden in his arms. "Heh. All right."

-A Different Spot in the Woods-

"My prime minister." Jiang Wei was on the verge of tears. Why did bad things always happen to him? All was well until he joined Shu as Zhuge Liang's apprentice. But, he did choose to join Shu of his own free will. Also, he really admired Zhuge Liang. Just like his teacher, he too wished to help Liu Bei build a world of benevolence. The complications in Jiang Wei's life appear to be self-inflicted. Sighing was the only thing he could do to cope with the situation.

"I think we lost the zombies." Zhao Yun sat down next to Jiang Wei. "I hope Lady Sun Shang Xiang is alright."

"She's with Ma Chao. I'm sure he will keep her safe."

"Yeah… We should get going. I want to make it back to the castle before nightfall."

Jiang Wei stood up and nodded his head in agreement.

-Back to Ma Chao and Sun Shang Xiang-

"We're almost there." Ma Chao charged ahead towards the opening between the trees. Regrettably, the opening led up to a cliff, and Ma Chao had just run off the cliff with a terrified Sun Shang Xiang in his arms.

"YOU IDIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

-Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei-

All was well.

-Elsewhere-

Ma Chao groaned and rubbed his head as he rose to his knees. When he looked down, an unconscious Shang Xiang lay underneath him. Just then something hit the Shu warrior on the head. Gazing upward, Ma Chao was able to view the tree that had broken his fall and ultimately saved his life. Now, the only question that remained was: did it save Sun Shang Xiang's as well?

What if she was dead? A look of horror crossed Ma Chao's face. What would he do if she really was dead? What would he say to Liu Bei? "Good news: we're here. Bad news: she's dead. Enjoy your wedding night."

Ma Chao placed both his hands over his head. For once in his life he was upset while having a girl between his legs. "_Justice_ take mercy on this poor warrior that has _literally_ fallen off the path and give him a sign. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do!"

-Some time later-

Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei had made their way back to Chengdu. Though their safe arrival did ease some of Liu Bei's tension, he was still overwhelmed with the thought of having Shang Xiang lost somewhere with undead soldiers wondering about. Even with Ma Chao Liu Bei couldn't shake this feeling of unease. "Please be safe, my lady."

"My lord, my lord!" A foot soldier was dashing towards Liu Bei. He bowed before his lord and began to relay his message, "Grave news-"

'Of course it is.'

"Wei has attacked and captured Hon Zhong. They have set up camp on Mt. Ding Jun."

"What? Those Wei bastards!" Zhang Fei furiously cursed the invaders.

Zhuge Liang could sense Liu Bei's frustration through his silence. Needless, now was not the time for indecision. The Wei threat must take precedence above all other matters. "My lord, this invasion must be dealt with. With your permission I would like to take command of the troops and march to Mt. Ding Jun myself."

"Yes, please take care, and have Zhang Fei, Huang Zhong, Wei Yan and Zhao Yun accompany you," replied Liu Bei.

"As you command, my lord." Zhuge Liang knew Liu Bei could not take part in this battle himself with his heart set on Shang Xiang. "My lord, please permit Ma Dai and Pang Tong to look for Ma Chao and Lady Sun Shang Xiang. According to Jiang Wei's report, they shouldn't be too far off. Ma Dai and Pang Tong are sure to find them."

Liu Bei smiled at his friend. "Yes."

-Once Upon a Time-

Once upon a time, there lived a gallant and handsome warrior. His vitreous heart and courageous nature were widely known throughout the land. In fact, his reputation earned him the respect of various warlords. One of those lords had taken this warrior into his ranks and made him a general in his army. As a general he commanded his own troops and led them to various victories. Indeed, he was a magnificent and splendid officer.

One day the warrior's lord called upon him to undertake an important task. It seemed there lived a young and beautiful maiden in a faraway land. She was to become his lord's new bride, but she needed to be guided to the lord's side. The warrior was to be that maiden's escort. Though the journey was long and treacherous, the warrior took on the task without hesitation, for he knew only he could complete this charge. So, the warrior set out with his loyal minion and made his way to the young and beautiful maiden.

Reaching the maiden was easy enough, however, returning back to his lord proved a challenge. Wolves, bandits, an undead army of flaming zombies, there was no shortage of trails and hardships that faced this warrior. Regardless, he pressed on. With the fragile and lovely maiden in his arms, the warrior marched forward.

Nevertheless, his persistence and might were about to be tested. Along his path, the warrior came across a brilliant glow. Believing it to be the pure and righteous guidance of his beloved _Justice_, the warrior dashed towards the glow. Finally his journey was at an end, finally he would deliver the maiden to his lord, finally the maiden would reward him with her virgin body, finally, finally, finally...

Alas, the warrior had been fooled. The malicious warlord Cao Cao had directed his revenge from beyond the grave. Such irony, the warrior's vengeance had once destroyed this malevolent commander only to have the villain return to fulfill his own vengeance against the splendid warrior.

"…reward him with her virgin body?" Sun Shang Xiang was quietly listening to Ma Chao's tale. His attempt to explain their whereabouts was rather _imaginative_. "Cao Cao's still alive."

"But fear not, the warrior did not despair. Oh no," continued Ma Chao. "With all his strength, he summoned the most powerful force within the universe. Yes! _Justice_!"

Other than Ma Chao's ramblings, Sun Shang Xiang could make out the faintest sound of horses clomping along a dirt path. This caught her attention and caused her to follow up on her curiosity via investigation.

Unfortunately, Ma Chao was too preoccupied with his story to notice the warrior princess had wandered off. When he did complete his tale, Ma Chao was surprised to discover his young and beautiful maiden had suddenly disappeared. "…my lady?"

Naturally, Ma Chao went looking for Sun Shang Xiang. To his great fortune, she was nearby with her eyes glued to something beyond the trees. "My lady, you shouldn't stroll about so casually. There ar…" He was speechless due to the sight before him. The Wei army was right in front of their eyes. Among the troops, Ma Chao was able to make out officers such as Xiahou Dun, Cao Ren and Xu Huang.

"I don't think we're near Chengdu," informed Sun Shang Xiang.

Indeed they were not. In his haste, Ma Chao had wondered off north towards Hon Zhong. Just then Ma Chao grabbed Sun Shang Xiang and flipped her over his right shoulder and ran off. 'Damn, damn, damn!' thought Ma Chao. 'Curse you dead Cao Cao's revenge!'

-At Mt. Ding Jun-

Xiahou Yuan had set up camp with his troops atop of the mountain. Accompanying him was the Wei officer Zhang He. On the opposing side, the Shu forces had set up camp. Though the Wei forces themselves were at a disadvantage due to their exposed main camp, there were many experienced officers willing to give up their lives for their beloved Wei.

"I don't like the look of things." Xiahou Yuan did not approve of the location of their main camp. The terrain worked against their favor.

"Regardless, our magnificence is sure to dazzle the battlefield." Zhang He enthusiastically spun circles around Xiahou Yuan.

Xiahou Yuan smirked to himself. Sure Zhang He was a little odd, but his vigor and passion were contagious. He began to mimic Zhang He's dance movements, "Yes, let's below them away".

-Also at Wei's Main Camp-

Sun Shang Xiang and Ma Chao observed in silence from behind a few wooden boxes. The Wei troops were too preoccupied with an elaborately choreographed dance routine to notice any outsiders.

'First I'm lost in the middle of nowhere with this justice crazed moron, and now I'm stuck at Wei's main camp as their troops dance arou- Oh wow, that's really good." Sun Shang Xiang was momentarily distracted from her thoughts.

She wasn't alone in that manner; Ma Chao too was enamored by the spectacle before him. 'Dear god, how are they all capable of doing splits in the air. Our troops don't stand a chance against that level of flexibility. _Justice_, lend me your strength.' "I must acquire those skills," spoke Ma Chao.

"Huh?" Sun Shang Xiang wasn't quite sure what he was talking about. "U-"

"Stay here?" Ma Chao snuck of somewhere.

He returned moments later. "Here, change into this." He handed her a Wei foot soldier uniform and began undressing.

"HUH?"

To Be Continued


	8. tale four part III

===Tale Four Part III===

-Two Days Later-

"Grave news my lord!" a messenger knelt before Liu Bei.

"Is there ever any good news?" complained Liu Bei.

"Not momentarily," interrupted Guan Suo. "You see the good news messenger is on holiday, so for now we only hear of the bad news."

The normally pleasant Liu Bei was now displaying an abnormally agitated demeanor. "Why would we even use such an envoy system!"

Guan Suo shrugged his shoulders, "I Don'-no."

Recently, Liu Bei had adopted the habit of sighing to relieve his frustration. He gestured for the _bad_ news messenger to continue.

"My lord, Ma Dai and Pang Tong have lost Ma Chao and Lady Sun Shang Xiang's trail."

:Sigh:

"Additionally, Sun Jian wishes to visit to see how his daughter is doing."

:Sigh:

"Cao Cao has now arrived with additional troops at Mt. Ding Jun."

:Sigh:

"Flaming zombies keep ravishing the country side."

"Oh come on! What else can go wrong?" The supposed Shu curse was taking its toll on Liu Bei.

"I stubbed my toe on my way here."

"…you may leave now."

-On the Battlefeild-

Intensity, dexterity, passion, words were not enough to describe this battle. One nation desperately trying to protect its homeland, another trying to expand it, Shu and Wei, two nations engaged in constant bloodshed.

Well, that's how Cao Cao perceived the events anyway.

"Some battle. At least he's having fun?" Xiahou Yuan pointed to Zhang He and his new pupil.

"No, no, no. It's kick turn, kick turn, turn kick, kick spin. Not kick turn, kick turn, kick turn, kick spin." As delighted as Zhang He was to take on an apprentice, he did find this eager student to be a bit lacking.

Unbeknownst to Zhang He, the novice before him was none other than Ma Chao the splendid. For the past two days Ma Chao had been taking dancing lessons from Zhang He. The absurdity of his actions masked the notion that he had infiltrated the Wei army. Further still, Sun Shang Xiang was safe and sound. The two were disguised as Wei foot soldiers and thus were perfectly camouflaged into their surroundings.

Despite their current position, Shang Xiang did not feel as content as Ma Chao. Instead of being soundly wrapped in Liu Bei's arms, she was gearing up for combat against Shu. The additional concept of being discovered plagued her thoughts. What would Cao Cao do if he knew?

"You there." Xiahou Dun called out the Shang Xiang, which caused her to lose her train of thought.

"Yes, my lord?"

"Fetch my horse. I'm getting tired of just standing around."

"Yes sir." The past two days were full of demands and petty chores that would have commonly been handled by Shang Xiang's maids. She was beginning to tire of these meager tasks. Nevertheless, there was little she could do.

-At Shu Main Camp-

There were no massive dance sessions, yet Shu paraded nonsensical issues of their own. Their most recent dilemma centered around Wei Yan and his speech impediment problem. In an effort to aid Wei Yan, Liu Bei demanded that the slow witted soldier read a long inspirational tale to the troops before battle.

And so: "Once…Upon…time…"

-Three Hours Later-

"Boy…ran…past…"

-Two Hours Later-

"Monkeys…in…trees...laughing…"

-Two Hours Later-

"Flaming…zombies…gone…wild…"

"My prime minister, please make it stop," Jiang Wei and the other officers were at their limits.

"Rice…tastes…"

"Good? Bad? delicious? I need to know now!" Zhang Fei was not a patient man; such situations reinforced this fact.

"Yummy…People…"

"Ah! His lack of transitional tone is equally as infuriating as his pauses!"

-Chengdu-

"Grave news my lord! The good news messenger has quit!"

-Time Skip-

Shu and Wei managed to engage in battle after some time. Huang Zhong and Xiahou Yuan were the main contributors in this fight. Each with his own bow and volition, their might was unmatched by any other warrior.

Within this scuffle were Ma Chao and Sun Shang Xiang. To Sun Shang Xiang's surprise, Ma Chao was a phenomenal warrior that had repeatedly gone out of his way to keep her safe. Still, she made sure to match his ferocity to the best of her abilities. Regrettably, they were assaulting the Shu troops. This sort of act is quite common for Ma Chao due to his zealousness, but Shang Xiang was not normally known for such behaviors.

Just then, Jiang Wei made his way towards Shang Xiang. He was keen on putting an end to this measly soldier that was too ambitious for his own good.

Shang Xiang wasn't about to go down without a fight. She met every one of Jiang Wei's attacks and retaliated with a few hits of her own.

As the fight ensued, Jiang Wei noticed something oddly familiar about this fighter. Then, in a flash, he was staring into the green eyes of the Wu warrior princess. "My lady?"

Sun Shang Xiang paused in her tracks. He recognized her. An officer of Shu recognized her. Will she be able to finally end this charade?

Before she could receive her answer, Ma Chao rushed to her side. "Behold the might of _Justice_." His forceful attack launched Jiang Wei in the air. Obviously, such a display did not go unnoticed. A mere foot soldier tossing one of the elite Shu officers into the air like a rag doll, it was unheard of.

"What an amazing fighter," praised Xu Huang.

"Alas, the pupil has finally emerged from his cocoon. His magnificence is sure to flutter over the battlefield." Zhang He gleamed with pride, for his apprentice was ripping through the enemy forces like an unstoppable tornado.

"Justice?" Unlike the others, Zhuge Liang was more suspicious than awed by this mysterious soldier. Surely, he would put his suspicions to the test. "Lord Cao Cao, as long as you live, there will never be world of benevolence and Justice."

"Ha, this idealistic rubbish has no place in the world that I will create," responded Cao Cao.

Zhuge Liang's idea provoked the exact result he was hoping for. Ma Chao's zealousness once again proved to be his downfall. Now, his fury was directed towards Cao Cao himself. "Take this Evil Cao Cao Warlord Spirit from Beyond the Grave! _JUSTICE_!"

Zhang He's expression morphed from delight to horror. What on earth was this guy doing? The pupil sounded as mad as that splendid Shu warrior-

"Just as I thought." Zhuge Liang smirked to himself.

Jiang Wei had recovered from Ma Chao's attack. Though he was furious, his first priority was to tend to Lady Sun Shang Xiang. "My prime minister, Lady Sun Shang Xiang, she is here."

"I am well aware of this fact. Though he may be an imbecile, Ma Chao possesses a righteous heart. No matter what, he would not abandon Lady Sun Shang Xiang."

Before any progress could be made, a huge herd of flaming zombies came charging toward both Shu and Wei armies. Panic ruminated throughout the battlefield.

"Don't worry, _Justice_ has a plan." Ma Chao picked up Sun Shang Xiang and threw her towards the zombies. "Evil Cao Cao Warlord Spirit from Beyond the Grave take the sacrifice of this young and beautiful maiden and call off your undead flaming army of zombies!"

….

"…my prime minister?"

-Chengdu-

"Grave news my lord! I lost my sword."

"You're fired."

-End Tale Four-


End file.
